Joking with Eddy

A Valuable Lesson

April 3, 2009
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Preaching to bears

March 22, 2009
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Miramichi Valley High School.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together at the Miramichi Hospital to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first Communion and Confirmation.'

The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle that there holy water!

I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle.

We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs, and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

Supermarket

March 16, 2009
A new supermarket opened near my apartment here in Jersey City.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Playing a round

March 7, 2009
Mick had a week off and decided to play golf every day.

Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Mick congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Mick, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with Mick narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Mick said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Mick.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Mick swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and swore madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have every right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Mick screamed, his face bright red.

"You cheating b*****d! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

Contented fisherman

March 3, 2009
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Greenie

February 16, 2009
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters. The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared.

Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down

The Duck

February 15, 2009
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer?'

Tiffany's

February 13, 2009
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident',

she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Golf anyone

February 5, 2009
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises, and makes him a cup of coffee.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good,” sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three he can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.
"Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember".

Oysters

January 29, 2009
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next dayin the'IrishTimes Newspaper'
Said.........................................


OYSTERS KILPATRICK!!!!

Gorilla problems

January 23, 2009
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: 'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.' 'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'


The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

Union Rules

January 10, 2009
A dedicated AWU union worker was attending a convention in Sydney and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and, according to union rules, she's next."

Revenge

January 7, 2009
After his marriage break-up, he spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of expensive red wine.

When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited the half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When his wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-husband called his former wife and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house.

He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to buy the old marital home in its present condition if the price was right and she agreed to drop the alimony demands.

Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed to his deal and a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex-wife and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Statements by the rich and famous

December 27, 2008
@ Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin. - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

@ I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall. - Eleanor Roosevelt

@ Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

@ The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

@ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

@ Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

@ By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

@ I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

@ My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

@ I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

@ Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

@ My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

@ Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

@ Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

@ I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

@ I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

@ We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

@ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

@ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

@ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

@ And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Cow from Minsk

December 25, 2008
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening.

'Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.'

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, 'Did you buy this cow in Minsk?'

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. 'You are truly a wise rabbi,’ they said. 'How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?'

The rabbi answered sadly, 'My wife is from Minsk.'

Bank robbery

December 3, 2008
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

Hot Dog

November 29, 2008
One hot summer day, a farmer came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The farmer said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The farmer replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the farmer. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

The farmer looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

It's a miracle

November 14, 2008
One morning a man comes into church on crutches.

He stops In front of the font containing holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'

How did you die ?

November 5, 2008

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: "Hi! My name is Wanda."
2nd woman: "Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?"
1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So, what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive."

Entrance exam to heaven

September 28, 2008
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

The Rancher

September 12, 2008
A 'Department of Water Resources' representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The rancher says, "Ok, but do not go in that field over there."

The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the full force and authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!"

Sneezing

September 11, 2008
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition: Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said.

'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

The itch

September 8, 2008
A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. 'How's that?' he asks

'Well, it's a lot better actually' she says, 'but...........it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?' she asked.

'Trimmed the top of your Ugg boots'

The operation

September 28, 2008
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Don't mess with Older, Wiser People.

The Monks

August 27, 2008
A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the priest are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop . .

So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old Bishop replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE !!!

Life in a nursing Home

August 21, 2008
Five old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 91 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all the old ladies happily yelled in unison --

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Aging

August 14, 2008
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST WHEN I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH A DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THIS UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Heart attack

August 12, 2008
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs and grabs the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy! Mummy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!'

How to settle a disagreement

August 7, 2008
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

What would you like for dinner

August 6, 2008
Maggie Thatcher went out to dinner with her cabinet.
When the waiter asked what she would like, she said, "I will have the Roast Beef"

"Yes Ma'am", said the waiter, "and how about the vegetables?"
"Oh they’ll all have Roast Beef too".

Flight 2032

August 6, 2008
A plane took off from J. F. Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants”. A passenger yelled, “That's nothing. You should see the back of mine”.

Panties

July 26, 2008
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first said, "I don't know about y'all but ah'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo ah git on dat plane".

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" asked the other two.

The first replied, "Cause if dat plane comes down and ah'm out dere layin' butt up, in sum conefield, dey gonna find me fust".

The second lady said, "Well Ah'm a-gonna wear me some floessant orange panties 'cause if dis hare plane is a-goin down and I be floatin' butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me fust."

The third lady says, "Well ah'm gonna wear NO panties."

"What? No panties," the others ask in disbelief.

The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right.

Ah ain't wearin' any panties cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box fust".

GOLFER’S PAINFUL EXPERIENCE

July 24, 2008
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a physio therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

The afterlife

July 21, 2008
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no 'life after death'.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary, Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset."

Confucius says

July 19, 2008
Confucius Says:
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails..
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Custer's last stand

July 19, 2008
Two members are talking over a brandy in a London Gentlemen's Club....
One spoke of one of his ancestors being killed alongside Colonel Custer at the Battle of the Little Bighorn.

The other said, "I didn't know one of your family was in the Military."

"He wasn't in the Military, he was camping in the next valley and had gone over to see what all the noise was about."

Praise

July 19, 2008
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.'

Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

Pat continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum

Carnival cruise diary

July 3, 2008

Carnival Cruise Diary

DAY 1.
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DAY 2.
We spent the entire day at sea.
It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins.
What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DAY 3.
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time.
He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DAY 4.
Went to the ship's casino and did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY 5.
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship with all aboard. I was appalled.

DAY 6.
I saved 1600 lives today..............4 times

Day 7.
Left the cruise ship today feeling I had a great time, and glad I had done so many people a good turn.

Green Splinters

June 29, 2008
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist’, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters. The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared.
Angrily, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
'Well...'replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the following:

* Environmental Protection Agency;
* The Forestry Service;
* The National Parks and Wildlife Service;
* The Wilderness Society:

and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove ‘old growth timber' from a 'recreational area'.

1st Black President of U.S.A

June 25, 2008
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.
He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"
The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black man to be elected President of the United States "
St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"
Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

Why Bowls is better than sex

June 22, 2008
David Letterman's Top nine Reasons Why Bowls Is Better Than Sex.....


#1....You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
#2....If you live in Queensland , you can do it almost everyday.
#3....Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#4....Three times a day is possible.
#5....You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#6...Pairs, triples and Foursomes are encouraged.
#7....It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#8....You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

And the number one reason why Bowls is better than sex.....
#9....If your equipment gets old and worn out, you can replace it!

The Taxidermist

June 21, 2008
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist"
The bartender says, "A tixidermist, what the hick is a tixidermist...you drive a tixi?"
“No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and yells, “He's okay boys. He's one of us.”

Three Burner BBQ

June 16, 2008
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out.

She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked, 'Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!'

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, 'How bout it?

She replied 'No thanks, It's not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!'

The Parrot died

June 2, 2008
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?' 'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tailor-made SuperQuad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE..........

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!!'

Chicken power

June 1, 2008
I am told that this is a true story: Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the rear wall of the cabin.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo...

'Defrost the chicken'.

Why golf is better than sex

May 29, 2008
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10....A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9....You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8....It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7...Foursomes are encouraged.

#6....You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5....Three times a day is possible.

#4....Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3....If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.

#2....You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the number one reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1....If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

The Lord and the biker

May 23, 2008
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Irish Prostitute

May 21, 2008
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...

" "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

Shut the curtains, Paddy!

May 17, 2008
Paddy met Mick in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.' Mick said,

'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them, I wasn't home yesterday.'

Sex Maniac

May 16, 2008
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat.
As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States '.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked ' What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish!'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, ' I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said... 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

Do you remember ?

May 2, 2008
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that, you saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

The drunk

April 26, 2008
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh ! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," .. the man replies.

The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man,

"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out ... "I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! ! !"

"What was that for?

April 22, 2008
Bill is sitting reading his newspaper when Pamela sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. ''What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it", she replies. "Don't be silly," he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied and, at this, apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What was that for?"

"Your #%#@# horse phoned."

Sportsmans Double

April 18, 2008
I ended up with an older woman at the pub last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mum, you still awake?'

The favour

April 18, 2008
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her. 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father...... Next!'

Don't Mess with little old Ladies

April 17, 2008
An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman gets out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

Free Sex

April 13, 2008
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Paddy replied, "No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week."

Muslem weather

April 8, 2008
The Archbishop of Canterbury has got his way -

British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite;

Be careful what you order!

April 8, 2008
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," asks the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck".

How true !!

April 4, 2008
A man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

How old am I ?

April 4, 2008
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

The confession

March 28, 2008
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Paddy's altercation

March 21, 2008
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That wee bit o man, O' Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Inventions, old and new

March 15, 2008
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hangout with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, "replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours

It's the law

March 15, 2008
A London lawyer visiting Scotland runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. If you would just get out of your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

British Humour

March 6, 2008
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Toast to the wife

March 3, 2008
John O`Reilly hoisted his beer and said " Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary " I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?'

John said " Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church besides me wife"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed John!" Mary said

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said " John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary".

She said "Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull by the ears to make him come".

Parking Inspector

March 3, 2008
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example the other day my wife and I went to Victoria Park and went to a shop. We were only there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic inspector writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said "come on man how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued to write the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him the more tickets he wrote

Personally we didn't care We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that were are retired. It's important at our age

IRISH LOVE STORY

February 29, 2008
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

F**k off” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

---

Vices

February 28, 2008
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, & the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulges in his vices one more time, he will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music & smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker & said,

"You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead

---

Money changing

February 28, 2008
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly.... 'fluctuations'. The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'

---

Hearing aid

January 18, 2008
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to see a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back after a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!'

---

Arthritus

January 18, 2008
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

---

Paddy's bus

January 15, 2008
Mick & Paddy are walking home from the pub and Mick says, "I can't be bothered to walk all that way."

"I know", says Paddy, "but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."

"We'll steal a bus from the depot", said Mick.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a lookout.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, "Paddy, what you doing? Have you not found one yet?"

Paddy shouts back, "I can't find a No: 9."

"Oh Jeysus Christ, ya thick twit - take the No: 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout."

---

Insult

January 15, 2008
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that.

You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

---

A true Queenslander

January 14, 2008
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.'

The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

---

Killer Bikies

January 11, 2008
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!’"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

---

Spoons

January 8, 2008
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly". Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

---

What ya selling

January 8, 2008
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Glasgow man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Glasgow accent asked "Whit ur ye sellin’ Jimmy?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Glaswegian said, "Aye, looks like yer goin’ OK......Only two left!"

---

Just like Frank

January 2, 2008
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

"Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his bloody widow."

---

Hot & cold

December 21, 2007
After his exam the doctor said to the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife I'm usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

After examining his wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July.

---