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April 4, 2008

Dalkieth v Kardinya 90 / 77

--------------------------------------EPISODE 18

In the second last game of the qualifying round Kardinya made the trip to Dalkieth. The Duke continued his winning run and moved level with “Gelignite” Geoff Gould as the best performed one white rink of the year, the Horse Snake continued to coax the Kracker to another win with liberal use of venom, Tom the Bomb, with an unchanged team, followed up his outstanding aggregate carrying win on Thursday, (which saw the Silvertails into the One Red Thursday grand final) with another solid win against Rob Foy and the Mad Dog did the himself, his confidence and the Duke a big favour by beating Gelignite in a solid all round team performance.

It was also the day Billy Cornelius turned up to check out the Trolley to see if the Gypsy was full of shit or if the State selectors need a white hot poker up their clacker. He watched three ends before sending a scathing text off to Prickles, Geoff Ellis and the Doc which started “Now listen you clowns …”.

Later he begged to be introduced to the Trolley, declared that he was not worthy to kiss the Trolley’s feet, asked if he could have a photo taken with the Trolley and generally blow wind up the Trolleys bum. He talked for hours. After Billy left the Saint came over to speak to the Trolley. “Great bloke isn’t” he said the Saint.

“Yeah, yeah, not bad” said the Trolley. Big pause: “Who the @#*!! is he”.

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Trolley and the Bloke in Purple


The Dog v “Gelignite” Geoff Gould. 26/13

The Dog was promoted to skip, this time in the absence of the Gypsy, in fact completely taking over the Gypsy’s rink. Earlier this year the Dog, in the absence of the Kracker, made his skippering debut against Gelignite at Kardinya and got nicely fixed up. He had a few things going against him however, firstly his leader had a tumor larger than a Slazenger size seven devouring his kidney, secondly he had the viperous Stallion, aka the Horse Snake debuting at three and thirdly, the Dog played like a bag of shit.

This time around things were a little different. The game was very tight early, 9/9 after eleven ends before Gelignite’s boys went off the boil slightly and conversely the Dogs boys upped the ante.

With a bloke in purple clothes taking a special interest in the game, the tumor-less and, oblivious to the man in purple, Trolley put on a show up front. The Beekeeper helped and set things up by always providing back bowls (essentially he was heavy all day), but the performance of the day came from “Rowdy” Ross Donald who put on a clinic at three.
Towards the end it was bowls by numbers because wherever the Dog put his foot, within 16 seconds a maroon Vector VS landed between his toes. It was a case of “heal or toe?” for Rowdy. His audacious kitty in the ditch on the 12th end was the match defining shot. He didn’t say much but his bowls were ear drum busters. There are few better draw bowlers in the State – except for the Saint.

His lovely lady Pam came back down to the game. She had previously boycotted the matches because of the swearing by the Gypsy and the Dog. She came back because she felt, not that the swearing would have ceased, but that the swearing may have halved.

She also bought with her a collar, a specially devised collar from Bark Busters, one which fits around the neck of the Dog and ejects a spray of Chilli powder into the eyes of the wearer with every swear word.
It was placed around the Dogs neck. With tears pissing from his eyes for the first 12 ends the Dog was essentially blind but had an armchair ride until that point. Once the eyes cleared and the brain redeployed he was able to contribute to the win and by the 18th end the eyes were relatively dry, pain free and the tail was wagging.



Beekeeper, the Trolley, and a glass of honey.


As in their previous encounter the game was played in wonderful spirit by all players, a credit to ‘Gelignite’, ‘the Big Chop’ and the Sweeties” who continues to make the game a pleasure to play.


The Duke v Rob Foy 24/20

Even with daylight saving this game nearly finished in the dark. The Duke killed six ends and Robbie Foy killed two.
The Duke had played a blinder against Billy Galloway on Thursday in the One Red second semi final. He missed one drive early and then hit everything else, some when big number down. He carried that form into Saturday and played one of his best games for the years.

Mr Perfect and his overworked kidney returned to the leaders spot and the Duke declared at the end of the match that he was a better player without the dodgy kidney and the malignant tumor. The normally conservative Big Banana took the opportunity to try out some new bowls and although not one of his greatest games played four absolute belters when really needed.


The Big Banana Fritter with the new “Doog’s”


The Cleaver started off like a German band, (what the @#!^** is a German band anyway?) and fell away slightly toward the end but was still very, very good. As mentioned before the Duke was outstanding and he put it down to a resurgence of confidence following Thursday’s performance, some sneaky practice during the week and the purchase of a new hat.

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The Duke at practice with the old hat, The Duke on Saturday with new hat


The Bomb v 30/14 The final score was flattered a bit by the four the opposition picked up on the last end but none the less this was a very solid hit out by Tom “the Bomb” and the boys. It was a pretty good all round performance. “Pope” John McCormack struck some good form leading into the finals and played well.


The Pope: a welcome return to form - and he knows how to cook an egg.

The Saint, following the unmasking of his signature practice routine the “Mack Stack”, played accordingly and returned to magnificent after a few weeks of just playing just great.
He is coaching his missus, who recently took out the Club mixed Championship with the Saint, and then followed up by winning the Club novice championship. Keep an eye out for her in the State novice championship. Also keep an eye out for another of his practice routines in the next few weeks – “The Mack Jack Stack” a tricky little practice number if ever there was one.

The Bomb v Rick Flintof 30/14

The Bomb continued his great form from Thursday, a match in which, after being belted early by the Guelfi boys, 1/9, ended up winning 23/17 to single handedly carry the aggregate. It must be because the Tasweegians are in town for the State series.


The Bomb and Billy

Snakehips run of good form came to an understandable and abrupt end with his mind on matters central to the hips. His absence was more than covered by the other three.

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-------------------And people ask how he got the name Snakehips

The Kracker v Woody 37/7

When he gets on top of you early then there is no one more evil or brutal than the Kracker. Woody made the mistake of letting the Kracker get on top early. It was, accordingly, evil and brutal. Add the Horse Snake to the mix and it just gets worse. The Kracker does not see his opposition as opponents but rather “man flesh” much the same as do the Orc’s from Tolkein’s ‘Lord of the Rings’. One difference between the Orc’s and the Kracker is that during a game the Kracker is far more dangerous and much less compromising than an Orc.

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----------------------------------------Kracker in the roll up

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We think this is an Orc, but it could also be Kracker having removed shot for six.


The Horse Snake had a good day out after a few weeks on the piss, and on the less than average side of the ledger, but combined well with Kracker to keep the pressure on. He had to keep filling up the poison sacks however to keep the Kracker in tow


The Horse Snake tops up with a 330ml of venom, with another 330ml about to follow, just before the commencement of play.



A Marriage made in hell. They make ‘Underbelly’ look like ‘Deal or no Deal’.

Nervous Normy Sutton entered the game, unbeknown to anyone, with a slight injury – he said he had “strained” an arm muscle. By the fifteenth end he could not bowl. He rolled up his sleeve to reveal than his slight strain was in fact a completely torn, that’s right, like completely torn in half, bicep muscle. He shouldn’t have been able to walk let alone bowl. Everyone said he should take it easy and pull out. After all the aggregate was safe, the game was safe and promotion was assured. That is everyone except the Kracker.

“Normy” coaxed the Kracker, “you forgetting something. The Saints $50. Come on bowl left hand”.

That’s right, every week, Thursday and Saturday, all year, the Saint lobs $50 into the mit of the Silvertails skipper who has the biggest win.

Thankfully Normy is harder than a coffin nail and bowled left handed for the rest of the match. His pain was not assisted by the Kracker continually encouraging him by telling him he was getting them closer with his left hand than he had with his right hand all year. They got the fifty bucks

Afterwards, one of the bar staff, Gracie, who is in her last year of medicine at UWA, looked at Norm’s arm and could not believe what she saw. “Normy it’s ripped completely in half. There is no way that you will be able to play again this year and it is quite conceivable that you will require serious surgery”.

“Are you sure” said a clearly distraught Normy. “Are you really sure I won’t be able to play with the Krackerjack again this year?”

“Absolutely and very sure” said Dr. Gracie. Normy could not hide his disappointment.


A clearly shattered Nervous Normy Sutton, post diagnosis.

Upshot of the game however, the Rulebook very good, Normy injured, Horse Snake good but evil, the Krackerjack very good, brutal and evil.

This week, in the final qualifying game of the year, we play Gosnells and the Downey kid. There will be no Normy Sutton because the unqualified, bar staff, medico was right, his arm is @#$#@ed. How about that? Play all year, Thursday and Saturday and in a practice game of bowls, I mean a practice game, you tear an arm muscle and can not play the finals. As Chopper Read would say “Normy, harden the @#$#@ up”

Into the team comes Alan “the Needle” McAlister, the previously, like in another article, mentioned current Club pairs and triples champion to make his first division debut. Just to let you know the Duke is the sole first division selector. This year he has used 17 players in Saturday pennants, and the only reason it was not 16 was because the Stallion, later to be known as the Horse Snake, arrived after the fifth game. When you only play 17 players all through out the year, have 111 points and are assured of promotion with three games to go, it means as selector, you may have got it right to start with.

Back in the nineties the Eagles finished on top of the ladder and were beaten by bottom placed Fitzroy in the last game of the year. I love Marty Downey and the boy, but no chance.