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November 7, 2008

KALAMUNDA

The Silvertails played their first game in premier league for forty years on Saturday. The same amount of time the Jews spent in the wilderness. According to all the tipsters it would be a walk in the park for the new boys.
Kalamunda, again according to all tipsters, a shoe in for demotion, on a bus full of piss, driven by John "the Moose" Morss, travelled to the home of the Silvertails, where the Silvertails have been essentially undefeated for three years, where they were to lay down like mangy dogs roll over and let the new boys kick the shit out of them.


The bus driving, piss drinking Moose.


Now a few pointers here for the tipsters. Kalamunda entered the match with 16 players with a minimum of one year of one red experience, their most recent year of experience - last year, where they clearly weren’t the worst team going around. Dalkeith on the other hand entered the match with five players having had previous one red experience, the most recent being the Krackerjack who last played four years ago.

Kalamunda entered the game with a few blokes who can actually play a bit. Neil Payne, Reg Payne, Neil Griffin and Mitch Biglan have all won State titles, Billy Brandsma is no mug, and Farley Anderson has been playing well for a few years now.

The Silvertails had 11 players making their one red debut. As every selector should know, experience counts for something, particularly in a game like bowls. In addition The Duke had buggered his back up lifting a bit of furniture on Wednesday, we’re not sure what bit of furniture it was but we can be assured that it was both heavy and expensive.
The Krackerjack had buggered his groin up the week before and had to pull out of the practise match after the roll up. The damage had migrated to his hip during the week and he turned up whacked out on drugs, and the Gypsy had decided that the best way to make his one red debut was to go out on Friday and buy a brand new set of bowls, completely different to the ones he was replacing and that had served him so faithfully for five years.
And to cap it all off, the greenkeeper decided that in order to celebrate the return to Premier league he would replace the 13.5 second greens we have played on and practised on for the last six weeks with a nice little 16 seconder. Ya can’t get fairer than that.

Having said that the Silvertails entered the match with some confidence and that confidence was not misplaced when they got out to a very impressive early lead. It was what happened during the middle stretch that would be of concern.

The Duke bt Mitch Biglan 21/14

The Duke, as he did all last year when he boasted the best win loss record in one white, got away to a flyer. Leading 12/0 after five ends he had set up the match and his eventual win. He did the same on Thursday at Bedford when his rink won by a whopping 25 shots to carry the aggregate

With Mark "the Meat Cleaver” Lindsay on fire early, Vinny the Stallion continuing his recent good form and the Shopping Trolley doing what he was told to do for a change, all were contributing to the cause. But there is always a moment that can begin to turn the tide.
Leading 14/3 the Duke crossed down. In keeping with the flow of the game the Duke played a monster and trailed to go three up. When Mitch could not change the situation with his last bowl the Duke stood on the mat three up drawing for four to take the score to 19/3. He played another monster, this time in the real sense of the word; because the jack was moved and when the dust had settled the Duke was three down. MAYDAY!!!.

It did not affect the result of the match however because the Duke had a fair bit of money in the bank as so to speak but it did take the wind out of their sails a bit.

The Stallion was very good as he has been over the last three weeks, The Cleaver was outstanding particularly in the early stages and the Trolley had a good solid game leading.
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----------------------------------The Stallion and the Beekeeper

Tom the Bomb Williams v Neil Griffin 18/23


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-------------------------------------A Griffin ------------------N Griffin

The Bomb came into the season in some reasonable form having skipped the winning Spring Fours team. He also had the Saint in good form following a great game in Thursday pennants and Ross “the Major” Mitchill debuting at two who, in Friday night practice, had really begun to show he will be a player of note. John the Pope”” McCormack has been playing very well all pre-season. The bad news was they were drawn on the graveyard - rink five.

It was a tight game early the scores were locked at 7/7 after twelve ends but then the Bomb and his boys faltered slightly and Kalamunda, and particularly Neil Griffin came to life. He was, according to all and sundry, quite outstanding as he has been for some considerable time now and the difference between the teams.
The score blew out to 18/7 and was 23/12 going down the last. “The Moose” debuting at three did a good job for Kalamunda as did Paul “not a lotto ticket” Natalotto, who had a very good game up front.

But the Dalkeith boys picked up a six on the last end to get to 23/18 and get the Silvertails to within three shots of the aggregate. The Saint was good but not to his Thursday form or his stunning form of last year, Ross Mitchell started well and finished well but went missing for a while in the middle when the wind picked up and surprisingly caught the locals off guard more so than the visitors.

“The Bomb” also played very well but had to contend with Griffo in some considerable form. Not sure what Griffo has to do to get a guernsey in the State squad, it must be too far to drive from Kalamunda.

The Bomb and Billy

The Krackerjack v Neil Payne 18/21

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Significant Irritation -------------Major Payne

The Krackerjack entered the match injured. He told everybody not to tell anybody. He got his team together and said that we were his team, we had to trust and rely on each other and that this year was a year in which there were no bad bowls, no blame, no hurt, no ridicule, just support and encouragement. When the Rulebook dropped the first bowl of the season short the Kracker said “Jesus Christ Ross, what the F#%@! is that shit”
By the fifth end, down 5/0 nil he dragged himself, paralysed from the waist down, by his elbows along the grass to inspect the head. When Neil Payne asked if he was OK the Kracker stoically said he was fine, before handing over his entire medical record to Payney along with copies to be circulated amongst the other rinks.

Payney immediately called a crisis meeting of his team and grief counselled two of his players. He told them to just take it easy on the Kracker. The Kracker dragged himself past the head, up the bank and over to the bench where his bowls bag was with all his medication.
He put the strap around his neck and like a horse chaff bag, plunged in his head and started chewing. His body would twitch every now and again when ever a filling came into contact with the alfoil wrapping of the pills.

The Kracker returned to the game and as soon as the drugs kicked in things began to change. The Kracker got it back to 6 all then out to 12/6. Payney rallied to 16 all, the Kracker 17/16. Payney 20/17, Kracker 18/20. Over the last three ends however Payney went from significant irritation to Major Pain.

Up 20/17, Payney was down four with the kitty having been trailed next to the ditch, into a nest of Dalkeith bowls, the toucher was two-part epoxyed to the jack.
Payne’s was short with his first bowl. The Kracker did not add. Payne’s next one was a screwed in tight, rock solid second shot. Two up with one to go. Down again Payne’s draws a banger to shut the gate and so the Kracker kills. Replay.

A knocker by Rulebook and an all but by Rowdy have the game halved. The Mad Dog draws for the third. The brilliant back hand running shot by Steve O’Neil kicks the kitty out to the right. The Mad Dog draws a resting toucher. Under the pump Payne’s simply out draws it. The Kracker had to play one of the greatest shots of his life to get it out and stay for three but just missed. Payney had plucked victory out of the jaws of defeat five times over the course of his last six bowls. There was a lot of class about the bowls but more about the bloke.

State selectors - take note to self!!! Ross the Rulebook McKenzie could not recapture the blazing form of Friday night but still broke even up front. Rowdy Ross Donald was slightly below his best but was conspicuous over the last four ends when bowls were needed in the head.
The Mad Dog was not kicked in the head by the Krackerjack so that was high praise indeed although his decision to drive on the 17th end of the match when down four was generously described as “disgusting” by the Kracker.

With the exception of the pre-drug kicking in phase of the match The Krackerjack, although injured and more whacked out of his head than a junkie, matched Major Payne all the way through the match. The outstanding player for the game however was Eric Sydenham playing at two who was magnificent over the 21 ends, a point agreed on by both skippers.


The Gypsy v Billy Brandsma 13/18

In Greek mythological history there is the story of Achilles. A child born of a mortal mother, Achilles was destined to be a warrior.
Knowing this, when Achilles was a baby, his mother immersed him in the river Styx, because any part of his body that was touched by the waters of the river would become impenetrable.
In order to dip him in the river however she had to hold onto him and she chose to hold him by back of the ankle, the area we now know as the Achilles tendon, and yes it was named after him.

However because the water did not come into contact with this part of his body it was the only part of his body that was not impenetrable and was his only weak point, a weak point that Paris finally exploited when he shot him in the heel, dropping him like a bag of shit and then killed him.
Not sure how they killed him but I assume he was not stabbed to death, or shot cause he was still impenetrable. I would have made the bastard play three for Kracker. Anyway, hence the term, “his Achilles heel”.

The Gypsy has a similar story but in the Gypsy’s case his mother was to dip him in the river “Brains” and any part of the body that came into contact with the waters of the river would in all likelihood - get some.
The problem was however that in order to immerse him his Mum, not that sharp to start with, chose to hold him by his head, with both hands, and she apparently had hands bigger than Ivan Glucena.

This “Achilles heal” or “Gypsy brain” was on show again this week when, not for the first time, it apparently exploded.

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-------------------------------------The exploding Gypsy brain


With Luke “the Liverfluke” Richardson making a return to his original club and playing three, Steve “the Beekeeper” Back leading and Willy Tan playing two the Gypsy had a good rink on paper.
The Liver fluke



It looked a lot better in reality when the Gypsy and the family jumped out to a six shot advantage and were doing it on the bit. But like the catastrophic 1980 eruption of Mt St Helens there were rumblings and early warning signs of the imminent explosion to come.

On the sixth end, holding two, the Gypsy hit the kitty to go one down. On the next end, in a similar cock up, one up became one down, before the big one on the next end.
One down with two good bowls that needed a touch to get shot the Gypsy chose to run. The set up of the head is shown below. They took sympathy and stopped counting at five.

With two big yellow bowls that only needed to be touched to fall in for shot on the forehand draw, the Gypsy decided that the higher percentage shit was to play a running shot and try to chip out the front shot bowl.

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-------------------Before------------------------------------------ After
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And so this was in part the catalyst for the Kalamunda revival. The Gypsy conceded after that “I may have dun no good and shot selection my bad” but it would appear to be better than his English teacher.
Steve “the Beekeeper” Back playing as a lead for the first time in a long time had a beauty and continually set the game up from the front, Willy Tan had a very good debut at two and the “Liverfluke” did a good job in his first game at three, except when he was unable to talk the Gypsy out of his bullshit shot


The Stallion drives his tongue into the Gypsy’s ear and out of his gob casting doubt on the theory that the brain exploded and suggesting that there may be absolutely nothing in the Gypsy’s head at all.

Although the loss to Kalamunda was a bit of a shock it was not the end of the world.
A few mistakes were made that will be avoided in the future and the team can only get better with every outing. In addition Kalamunda to their credit played well particularly Payney and Griffo.

The Kracker was still spewing mind you.

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-------------------------Last years unified promotion winning team

With only one exposure left in the camera and the inexperienced and quite rightly nervous Willy Tan as stand in photographer, and getting these blokes together was like herding cats, things were bound to go wrong.

Just as Willy said “smile” the Gypsy saw a bird walking a dog with big tits and yelled out “look at that”.
So this is our official one white promotion winning team photo.

Notice the Duke going straight for the glasses. The Stallion was hell bent on looking good for the photo and had spent all morning on the hair so he was having none of it and Normy Sutton (back left) simply did not hear the call.

The tragedy is that it was the dog that had the big tits and the bird had a chest flatter than a shit carters hat.